Introduction
WANDERLUST: THE BERMUDA SECRET – WHERE GOOGLE MAPS GOES TO DIE AND YOUR SANITY FOLLOWS
(Free trial! Then u gotta pay $5 to “unlock” the Bermuda Triangle u already saw in conspiracy YouTube videos. No cap.)
TL;DR (BECAUSE U CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO READ 10 PAGES)
Play as a washed-up marine biologist who gets sucked into the Bermuda Triangle after a Wi-Fi signal glitch. Fight rogue metal spiders, solve puzzles harder than your ex’s breakup excuses, and discover the island’s secret: it’s just a metaphor for your midlife crisis. Spoiler: The real villain is your caffeine addiction.
WHY PLAY? (SPOILER: U WON’T)
- “Unique” Story: You’ve spent years studying the ocean, but this is your grand finale? A metal spider named Steve chases u while u collect seashells for clout. “I’ll just Venmo the Kraken!”
- Puzzle Hell: Find hidden objects so obvious, they’re hidden in plain sight (like that starfish u didn’t notice). “Is this a clue or a cry for help?”
- Survivor Drama: Battle other castaways who’re just mad their TikTok challenges flopped. “Happy holidays, indeed!”
FEATURES (OR LIES THEY SOLD U)
1. “Epic” Plot Twist
- Play as Dr. Chad McGeek, a scientist who’s never seen Stranger Things but’s now fighting interdimensional metal spiders. “I’ll just Google ‘how to survive the Bermuda Triangle’!”
- Collectibles galore! Assemble a “magic compass” that’s just a reskin of ur mom’s old phone charger. “Worth every second!”
2. “Challenging” Mini-Games
- Solve puzzles that require more luck than brains. “If I click this barnacle 100x, will it summon a UFO?”
- Stealth sections where u hide behind a palm tree while metal spiders nap. “Thrilling!”
3. “Rewards” That Suck
- Bonus chapter: Save the island by… playing Candy Crush. “Mind-blowing!”
- Unlock a “magic” life jacket that does nothing but float ur hopes. “Peasant tier!”
WHY IT’S A SINKING SHIP (BUT U’LL STILL PLAY)
- No Paywall? Lie. Hints cost $5. “Just grind for 10hrs instead! We’ll wait.”
- Glitches Galore: The metal spiders AI naps 90% of the time. “I’ll screenshot this for TikTok!”
- Logic? Nah: The magic compass is hidden under the game’s loading screen. “Plot armor beats science!”
HOW TO LOSE HOURS (AND SANITY)
- Farm Barnacles: Collect 50 barnacles to unlock a “secret” achievement. “But first, insulin!”
- Overthink Clues: Stare at a barnacle for 20 mins wondering if it’s a metaphor for ur toxic ex.
- Buy the “Full Game”: Already did? Too bad! The “full” game is just more spiders and seashells.
DOWNLOAD NOW!
(But don’t blame us when ur life becomes a grindy loop of metal spiders, caffeine crashes, and buyer’s remorse.)
DEV NOTES:
- Made by interns who hate the ocean.
- Art stolen from a 2017 Discovery Channel documentary. “We added glitter! It’s ‘mystical’!”
- Testing team quit after Week 1. “We’re not paid enough to fight metal spiders.”
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